The Scourge of the Fruit Fly: An Informative Guide

Since you’re reading this, I’m sure that by now you’ve had at least one or

two encounters with the rapidly multiplying hell spawn known as

Drosophila Melanogaster or simply Fruit Flies.

The purpose of this guide is to inform and prepare you for any future

outbreaks of these pint-sized demons. I’ll be going through a couple fool

proof methods that have proven effective and have yielded fruitful results

(pun intended)

But first...

A Brief History of the Fruit Fly

“It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will

not be imperiled in a hundred battles”

-Sun Tzu, The Art of War

The common fruit fly (or vinegar fly) is in the family Drosophilidae. A Long

time ago, a silly man named Charles W. Woodworth decided that it would

be a good idea to breed these veritable nightmare beasts for genetic research.

Shortly after he commenced work in 1909 a number of “mutant” flies began

to emerge. Yes, you read that right. Charles Woodworth, who couldn’t leave

well enough alone, went out of his way to create “mutant...flies”.

“But why?” you’re obviously asking yourself. Why create more of these

mutated creatures that only seem to thrive from evil and suffering?

The answer to this extremely logical question is the very reason why we are

made to suffer at the many, many hands of our winged nemesis:

Aside from their pathetically simplistic genetic makeup and low

chromosome count, fruit flies breed like grease lightening and in

disgustingly copious numbers.

(Figure A: Ewwwwww)

Female fruit flies think it’s okay to dump their 200+ eggs in our food and

prefer pliable, sweet, edible surfaces for their mutant child rearing. Anyone

want to venture a guess of what fits this description?

I’ll give you a hint, it ain’t a Twinkie...

That’s right it’s fruit, but not only fruit. In fact, there are a host of suitable

nesting grounds for even the most discerning of fruit fly mothers in almost

every standard kitchen.

10 Preventive Precautions

1. Don’t leave fruit out

2. Make sure vinegar is tightly sealed in the refrigerator or cabinet

3. Regularly wipe down surfaces

4. Don’t leave fruit out

5.Don’t leave food in the kitchen sink or drain.

6. Don’t leave dirty dishes lying around

7. Make sure all waste bins are covered and sealed

9. Clean opened containers of fruit juice, liquor or vinegar products.

8. Don’t leave fruit out



We all know that the best defense is a good offense, thus I’m here to show

you one sure-fire way of stopping these vicious bottom dwellers at the

source of their treachery.

Fly swatters can be fun and there’s nothing wrong with marching into the

kitchen guns blazing and knocking out a few of the little bastards once in a

while, it’s cathartic. But if you really want to make an effective stand, you

will need to use homemade vinegar traps.


Commercial flytraps are flashy, expensive and about as useful as an ejector

seat in a helicopter. If you’re going to be an efficient killing machine, you’re

going to have to go old school...

Question: “ But when should I start setting up traps?”

Answer: The SECOND you see one of these soulless succubae roaming

around your pantry. It may look harmless, but for every moment you can’t

see it, you can bet your ass it’s gettin’ busy with an offensive number of

partners, creating hundreds of terrible tikes.

Supplies Needed

2 lt. Soda bottle

Clear Tape

Dish soap

Red wine or cider vinegar



Now that you’ve gathered your approvisionnements pour tuer, you are ready to build your very first trap!

Step 1: Remove the lid and label from a clean, empty, plastic two-liter soda bottle.

Step 2: Carefully remove the upper third section of the bottle by cutting

along its circumference at approximately where the top of the label used to be.

Step 3: Pour the vinegar (or other attractive liquid) in the cup-shaped part of the now-severed bottle.

Step 4: Add 1 tsp of sugar to the vinegar and stir well.

Step 5: Pour 1 tsp of dish soap into the vinegar mixture and stir gently.

Make sure you don’t create bubbles. Fruit flies HATE bubbles, along

with everything else good and pure in this world...

Step 6: Turn the cone upside-down and insert it into the cup-shaped

bottom part of the bottle. Seal the seam at the top of the bottle with

masking tape. The design should look something like this...

Step 7: Flies find their way into the bottle, but can't get back out. The soap

acts as a surface tension breaker so the miraculously buoyant creature sinks

right to the bottom. After most flies are trapped inside, simply seal the bottle

in a plastic shopping bag and get it as far away from your domicile as possible.

In Summation

Now this may sound unusual, given some of my stronger language

throughout this very necessary guide, but I do not believe we should hate

the Drosophila Melanogaster. In fact, I respect them to such a degree that

I’ve taken the time to craft a six-page manual, effectively plotting their

destruction. I believe it was President Ulysses S. Grant who once said:

“I have never advocated war, except as a means for peace”

He was a pretty smart guy... much smarter than Charles W. Woodworth,

but I digress... I look towards a prosperous future, where we no longer

have to fear the hungry gaze of our small but plentiful foe. Where we

may coexist in a peaceful understanding. Until that day, however...

“We shall defend our food, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight

in the kitchens, we shall fight in the pantries, we shall fight at home

and in the office. We shall never surrender.”

-Sir Winston Churchill (Adapted by Charlie Shaw)

Thanks for reading, And good luck!

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